Anyone who’s ever dated me, knows that I’m a mediocre lover, not a fighter.
However, the other night I was hanging out at one of my favorite bars in NYC, Barracuda, and somehow I managed to get into my first bar fight.
To make a long story short, this one a-hole decided to make some racist remarks to my Asian friend who I was with.
So I go up to him (he was with another a-hole friend) and I say, “now why would you say that”.
And he says to me, “I wasn’t talking to you.”
So I say, “Well I’m talking to you.” (it was very Clint Eastwood.) And then I could feel my heart start to beat like a crazy person.
I have never been in a fight before with someone (well, my two brothers excluded. And I was once bitch slapped by a girl because I called her heels cheap… but in my defense, I was drinking gin, and gin is the devil’s juice. And honestly I coudln’t tell a cheap heel from an expensive heel, so I definitely deserved it.)
But these two guys were big. Bridge and tunnel steroid big. I’m not trying to make a fish story out of this, but he probably could have bench pressed a clydesdale.
So we’re in each other’s faces (not in the good way) and we exchange a lot of below the belt insults, and then he impolitely asks me if I want to go outside where he will proceed to beat the living shit out of me. Even though he was significantly larger than me, I did take boxing at LA Boxing for over a year, so apparently now was the time to test what I learned in class, I guess.
As we were walking out, he shoves me from behind. I’ve been in enough fights with my brothers to know that my body doesn’t like to be shoved, so I turned around and shoved him harder, causing him to drop his gasoline on the rocks.
The bartender saw there was a fight brewing, and jumped over the bar. Immediately the guy throws himself at me, and I dodge out of the way like a cat, but apparently it was a very slow cat because he managed to skim the side of my face with his fist. The bartender then grabs him, and the doorman races over and they both tackle him at the ground.
Now that he was being held by 2 big guys, I had a little more cofidence to insult him. I started with the c’mon get ups and the Oh, who’s talking to who nows.
One of the bartenders appropriately told me to shut up and ordered me to go in the back so that they could get him out.
I don’t really know what happened after that because I was in the back flying like a butterfly, stinging like a bee shaking in the corner, but apparently the cops came and took him away.
When I left the bar later, I thought for sure he was going to jump out of a nearby tree and pummel me.
Point is, if you see me with a scab on the side of my eye, that’s what it’s from. I’ve been putting neosporin on like crazy, so it hopefully won’t look too bad for Champagne On The Park (Thursday night @ 5:30pm).
If you haven’t yet, BUY YOUR TICKETS HERE!!!!
Champagne + Washington Park + Matt B. = a happy you.
p.s. as a bar owner myself, I know better than to get in a fight in someone else’s bar. So if you’re reading this, Barracuda. I sincerely apologize.
Matt if you have any future problems give me a call. People tend to back down when they see a 6 foot 8 inch 250 pound, Shrek look-a-like staring down at them.
‘Bridge & tunnel big’- nice! I think you’re one of the best storytellers I’ve ever ‘met’!!:) Put some Dermablend on your face-haha! :)
Oooohhhh, Matt! I don’t know if I should soothe your injuries or laugh hysterically!! Great story. Glad you’re OK.
Matthew, There you go being a great caring friend, I hope your friend appriciated that you took a shot to your face for (him, her). Hope you didn’t break your glasses ?
Oh my gosh…..I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you are something else!
Hi Matt Baumgartner of Friday Puppy!
As a fellow local celebrity blogger I have a comment indeed!
I am glad you are ok Matt Baumgartner of Friday Puppy!
I am confused by the story, though.
You had to step in to defend your Asian friend??
Why didn’t your friend just karate the Jersey Boor? ? ? ?
I guess he probably just didn’t want to show off is the reason. They teach you that in karate.
You are a good friend!
Rock on!
Kev
I think I’ve said this several times before but I love you. I sit in my office laughing my ass off reading your blog and I just love you.
Matt– I’ll be at Champagne On The Park tom’w….PLEASE don’t kick my ass….
Epic storytelling. I’ve been in a fistful of barfights (pun intended) but none of them were intentional or started by me… i just seem to be protective of my friends as well, even if some of them are being beligerent assholes. Depending on if you end up the winning side or the losing side, barfights are actually kindof liberating.
Now that I’ve said that, please don’t kick me out of the Biergarten if I ever get a chance to meet you.
“I did take boxing at LA Boxing for over a year” hysterical!! great story Matt!
great read, what you did takes loads of character, super pumped for ya. hoping C in the P rocks, and congrats on being honored this year.
Best Week Ever?
Ha ha. Matt, you’ve just earned my highest respect for standing up for your chinky friend. (Asian here.) I heard about this fight at the scene of the crime days later. :-)
Found your page through Amanda Talar’s. I may have to become a regular reader because you are hilarious.
I like how you appropriately titled this post “Bar fight #1.”….. I’ll be waiting for #2.
Too funny!
No apologies needed to the bar. You took it outside like men. Its fighting inside thats frowned upon.
I hope you heal quickly! I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry for you. Either way, those boxing lessons sure paid off. Now you’ll have to take lessons from a cat!
Matt, I love reading your blogs, but personally I think you need to be a bit more careful. Do not give the SLA a reason to yank your license(s). Maybe I’m paranoid, but you work hard and you have built some nice businesses, that serve alcohol. Just something to think about, be careful please (also hate to see you get hurt).
scab=badge of courage.Looking forward to seeing it tomorrow even if I have to borrow Colleens trifocals,lol…;)
holy F… you should be in the hospital right now. I’m also a lover not a fighter… but… if I must blow my own horn I think I’m a better lover than you think you are.
champagne in the park sucks.
I’m so sorry, Matt, that nothing rhymes with “Utican.”
Damn that Balboa and his cool “Italian Stallion” nickname.
Thank you for standing against psychological abuse…but this is a ‘toughy’ [;)]. While those incompetents humiliated themselves in the view of those present, it sometimes isn’t enough to defend against future abuses, and one is compelled to ‘speak’ the ‘language’ they understand: stfu or get some bruises.
While i’d like to think that EVERY situation is resolvable w/o the specter of violence, if one or all parties have had their temperment/rationality impaired by happy hour, it’s hard to let a ‘learning opportunity’ go to waste for want of properly constructed sentences.
One doesn’t need a secret lair to be Batman!
Not gonna lie, slightly turned on.
That was one of the best narrated stories I have ever read!! Thanks for the laugh!
glad u werent hurt…glad u were so valiant!!!
I also like Shrek movies, great animation movie.