So, I have just returned home from my vacation. I was on a boat for 8 days. It left from Ft. Lauderdale and then went to the Bahamas, St. Thomas and St. Martin. I don’t know if it was in that particular order, as I was very drunk, confused and exhausted for most of the trip.
I got back into Albany last night, and now that I have had one full day to reflect on my first and last gay cruise, I realize that I have learned a few things about myself.
1. I don’t like cruises. Not gay cruises, not straight cruises, not tom cruises, not cruise control in my car… none of them. Although, I did like Cruz and Eden, from the soap opera, “Santa Barbara” back in the 80s. Now they… were a sexy couple.
Being on a cruise is like being stuck in a big hotel for a week. The endless view of the ocean scares the shit out of me, and frankly, I don’t like buffets all that much. (Except Bombers All You Can Eat Taco Buffet from 11-3 at both locations ;)
2. I don’t like to sail. We chartered a sailboat off the coast of either St. Thomas or St. Martin, and within 20 minutes I was throwing up worse than I ever have in my entire life (and this coming from someone who used to drink Vodka and Yoohoo. I called them Voodoos.). The “captain” had to turn the boat around. As a result, I basically ruined the chartered sailboat experience for 2 very nice straight couples who were from some state I would never visit.
3. I snore. My roommate on the ship, my buddy Jon, said that somehow my snoring is so loud that it penetrated the ear plugs and the Bose Noise Elimination headphones he wore when he tried to sleep. Sorry, Jon.
4. I also talk in my sleep. However, in my defense, it only happened on the last night when I took a weird European sleeping pill that made me feel very alert, slightly horny, and I was mesmerized by the colors of my AquaFresh toothpaste.
5. There was a casino on the ship, and I am great gambler. I always win . When you gamble, it’s important to know hen to fold them. To know when to hold them. To know when to walk away and/or know when to run. I ended up walking away with $800. I counted my money at the table.
6. On cruises, people don’t swim in the pool, at least they don’t on gay cruises. They stand in it and stare at everyone else. I tried to do some laps, and when I was done, people looked at me like I had some nerve. (you don’t want to know what happens in the hot tubs. Gross).
7. In England, the word Fannie is what they call a girl’s vagina. I made some most excellent friends on the ship who are from London, and they were telling me that they get a huge kick out of hearing Americans use the word “fannie” because in England it means vagina. They ESPECIALLY love hearing the words “fannie pack”. Although I have to admit, “Fannie” isn’t really a popular word in my vocabulary, anyway. Although I do sometimes have to say “Fannie Mae” and “Fannie Mac”, so I can see how that can be funny.
p.s. I would never own a fannie pack. yuck I would just never.
Although the chances of me going on a cruise again are less than zero percent (UNLESS the cruise was for only 4 days, and the boat never left the port), I will say that the food was excellent. There was even a help-yourself-soft-serve-ice-cream-machine that became my 2nd best friend on the ship.
So… “Go on a gay cruise.” CHECK.
Next up, “Watch one full episode of that new show Law & Order”.
After the jump are a few photos from my trip if interested…
Allure of the Seas
Welcome gift on the boat.
The Bahamas
We rented 4 wheelers in St. Thomas.
How the maids wrap the towels before bed. :)
More shirtless pics pls.
HAhaha! Cruz, & Eden from Santa Barbara, Man that reminds me of when I was a kid my mother forbidding me to watch it ( despite her own santa barbara/Days of our lives obsession). I would convienently be ” playing at a friends house ” m-f at 3pm till the day my mom figured it out, and called all the neighborhood parents to alert them that I wasnt not allowed to watch that show! Sorry a little off topic, but thanks for the flashback.
something is wrong when you find yourself laughing out loud while reading a recounting of a bad trip
you just have such a great way with words Matt :)
You fool! NEVER, ever, ever…count your money at the table!
My wife’s trying to get me on a cruise. I’m going to use this as exhibit A as to why I’d rather go to Vegas. Welcome back. Did you see Christy tried to turn this blog into Fridaykiity? Not cool man.
“In England, the word Fannie is what they call a girl’s vagina.” – as opposed to ?? a boy’s vagina? Sorry, Matt, just had to pick on you. That’s what you get for leaving us for a week. Great pictures! Cute towel thing – what did it look like from the back? Um…that was weird.
nice pics – esp the one of the Bahamas and Congrats on the Gambling win – I am jealous
Is this the cruise you were on?
http://edition.cnn.com/2011/TRAVEL/02/14/cruise.ship.drug.arrest/?hpt=T2
Loved the photos Matt. Sorry you didn’t have a great time. 4 wheeling sounds like great fun though. Welcome back to the icy tundra – you must have enjoyed the weather on the trip. :)
Fanny packs come in handy when I am wearing my jeggings.
This European sleeping pill sounds a bit like acid or lsd
welcome back Matt…just FYI ..it’s fannie Mae and FREDDIE Mac… “Fannie Mac’ would be a vagina with special sauce on a sesame seed bun… carry on.
Thank God you’re back.
@MMmmmm Beer…My favorite fast food sandwich USED to be a Big Mac, now I think it might be a Fanne Mac. I’ll pass on the “special sauce” though!
@Flurries… Your ARE going to go on a crusie… It wont be gay and I promise to wear my bikini!
Matt, thanks for coming back! No offense to Christy, but you’re way more funny AND because you had such an INTERESTING time on the cruise, I can LOL again!
Vagina pack! Gotta love it
Funny story about the “fannie” word. That was one of the best things I ever learned as well.
I am a physical therapist in a hospital and I was working in NYC with people from many nationalities “straight off the boat”. Anyway… we were working with this woman who was from Ireland and trying to get her to sit and stand in and out of a chair… she was having some trouble with direction so after changing my phrasing a few times I finally said, “Raise your fannie up out of the chair, then sit your fannie back down nice and easy”….
That was the one time I was fired by a patient and thrown out of a room… I had no idea what I had done. As I was discussing at lunch with my co-workers, one of them from England started laughing hysterically and enlightened me… we certainly do learn something new everyday huh.
Yes Matt’s snore was worse than a freight train from Calgary…yes Matt talked in his sleep…and yes Matt threw us his entire Mahi lunch and more on the sailboat….with all of that..Matt is still on the the best and most fun travel buddies a guy could have!!
Cruz and Eden… now that takes me back…
[...] Gustafson, social media strategist/staff writer I want a fanny pack. There. I said it. I do. (Sorry, Matt.) I used to just want the Gucci pack, but now I just want a fannypack. (But not a generic canvas [...]
Too funny! Did they have a diving board so you could show off your skills?
I now have no need for a cruise; but want learn how to fold towels into animals.
Correction we rented 4 wheelers in St. Maarten not St. Thomas as the caption under the pic says…although I think Matt thought we were in Puerto Rico the whole time…sorry Matt if I went to slow on it for you…going without insurance as the girl who rented them to us recommended we do not…freaked me out!
Matt,
Did you know that there was a humongo drug bust last week on that ship?!?! Anything you wanna tell us??
@wowie #22, oh now I get it, Matt’s getting a new pup, but not so much getting one but being assigned one, he’s doing the Parolee and Pit Bull project and is Blogging and Tweeting from a prison off the coast of one of the islands they visited, very cool. That also explains the Hogan’s Heros helmet whilst on the 4-wheeler. Thanks wowie for putting it all together, are you a detective?
I know that this is an older post, but I just found out about Friday Puppy and I must say, this is one of the most amusing things I have read in a long time. Fantastically funny! :-)